Rubatosis
by livewiresandwildfires
Summary: When forced to choose between saving himself, or saving someone else, it isn't really a choice at all. Alex's heart has always been in the right place, even if his head isn't. Written for Spyfest 2018 Week 2.


**Rubatosis**

 **Warnings:** injury.

 **Rated:** T

 **Summary:** When forced to choose between saving himself, or saving someone else, it isn't really a choice at all. Alex's heart has always been in the right place, even if his head isn't. Written for Spyfest 2018 Week 2.

 **Prompt:** Self-preservation: the first law of intelligence.

 **Disclaimer:** All rights to Alex Rider's world go to Anthony Horowitz. Any and all recognizable works do not belong to me. Any ideas, quotes, references, etc. are credited to their rightful owners.

* * *

It was just a training exercise - or at least that's all it was supposed to be. A routine training operation.

The term brought memories of old television shows and movies: how the government always covered up anything suspicious. Stray nukes, UFO's and the likes. _Just a routine training operation._ Air Force accidentally exiting their designated airspace. Nothing to worry about.

Alex had thought there would be nothing to worry about.

He had jumped in the back of the SAS transport with his unit. Had endured the bone-jarring ride with his gruff, stoic companions. Occasionally, Eagle cracked a bad joke.

They took a different road than the one Alex was used to: a brutal storm last night had felled some trees, creating road blocks throughout the wilderness area.

They had finally returned to semi-civilization; at least, the road had turned from dirt and rock to actual pavement. They were still ages away from the nearest town.

In fact, aside from the asphalt road, the only other sign of humanity was an out of place building.

Just shorter than the surrounding trees, you couldn't spot the building until you drove into the clearing. It was two, maybe three stories high, and home to a Wilderness Survival School. An out of the way boarding school where kids could learn maths and mountain climbing, social studies and survival skills, physics and fire building.

In the back of Alex's mind, he remembered that it was a holiday weekend. Most of the staff and students should be at home, though there were always some that stayed behind.

Some of the kids there were probably his age. Alex hoped they had gone home for the holiday. Alex wouldn't get to celebrate, but they should.

Then the fleeting thoughts were gone as they turned the bend, the building disappearing behind the trees. It was another ten minutes to their location.

No sooner had they gotten to their designated clearing when a crackle came over the SAS radio. Him and K unit froze, everyone half out of their seats. The driver shut the engine down so they could all hear. Part of the conversation was cut off, but Alex got the gist of the message.

… _emergency services twenty minutes out. Fire brigade blocked. Anyone in the area report to the coordinates…_

A fire. The police had been called, but the nearest town was twenty minutes away and the roads were barricaded by last night's storm. The emergency services were radioing the SAS base, requesting that any soldiers that could get through go to the fire immediately.

Alex looked at the monitor in the front of the vehicle. Their own coordinates were displayed there, Alex judged that they were within range of the fire. In fact, he would bet that the fire in question had started at the very building they had just passed.

Swivelling his head, Alex indeed saw a plumb of smoke rise up over the treetops in the direction they had come. What had happened in the ten minutes between here and there, Alex couldn't be sure.

The engine revved and their transport turned sharply. Alex was thrown back against his seat, and across from him Wolf almost took a header into Alex's stomach.

The five of them righted themselves as they sped back the way they had come. The vehicle caught air on the smallest bumps as they raced along, trees blurring into one great blob of green.

Within minutes, they were back at the boarding school. The building - that had looked so cold and plain and structured not long ago - was now in chaos.

Smoke billowed from the first floor windows, surrounding the building like a skeletal claw. Red danced inside, reflecting in the glass. A few people were out on the front lawn, stumbling and coughing. The couple of teachers that were there tried to herd the half dozen kids - still in pajamas - together.

The only other people on the grass were four lunch staff, identifiable by their aprons and hair nets. Alex realized that, while he had been up for hours already, the kids that had stayed for the holidays had likely just been starting breakfast.

Probably how the fire had started - the first floor would have housed the kitchen and cafeteria.

Alex looked up at the floors above. His hopes and prayers that everyone was out were dashed as he saw distinct signs of movement. Kids in the dorms upstairs.

Alex was out of the vehicle in seconds, K unit around him. Snake ran to the group of escapees immediately, leading students and staff alike away from the growing inferno.

That left him, Fox, Wolf, and Eagle to run headlong into the burning building.

Alex lost his unit mates almost immediately, the smoke was so thick. Belatedly, he realized that none of them had the equipment for this. Their uniforms were fire resistance, but flames as hot as these would eat through them anyway. They had no hose - hadn't even brought water canteens - so they couldn't stop the fire.

Best they could do was get as many people out as possible before they died of smoke inhalation.

Alex struggled forward through the grey fog. He couldn't see more than a few feet ahead of him, but he let instinct take over.

After all, it hadn't been so long since Alex was in school. Granted Brooklands was a little different, but a school was a school. His feet paved a path over the linoleum.

He found the double door leading upstairs. The metal was too hot to touch, but Alex kicked it open. It banged against the wall.

Alex shouted over the crackle of the blaze, hoping his teammates were heading in this direction. When he heard footsteps behind him, he turned and ran up the wide staircase.

By the time he got to the second floor dorms, his teammates were around him, they kicked open doors, dragging bedraggled, pajama clad teens from their rooms.

Alex and Wolf ran up to the third and highest floor, gathering the few kids that were there as well. Together, they rushed down the stairs, Wolf carrying one of the youngest kids at his side.

The first floor fire had gotten worse, but luckily hadn't spread up the staircase yet. They tumbled onto the front lawn, dragging the coughing kids towards where Snake had the others.

The man that had driven their transport was there, holding the radio and coordinating with the police and the SAS base. Emergency services were still stuck, but were making headway.

"Twenty nine kids, seven staff!" The other soldier yelled.

Alex turned, counting off the heads as quickly as he could. His heart stopped. He recounted.

"There's only twenty eight kids!" He yelled back, spinning round to look back at the building. The fire was now licking at the second floor window.

Alex looked higher, spotting movement. A kid. On the roof. _Shit_.

Alex pointed, unable to articulate the sudden horror that had dawned on him. His teammates echoed his silent sentiment - swearing profusely.

They stepped forward, examining the problem. Alex knew what they would see: the fire had spread too much, the stairs would be full of flames, the structural integrity had weakened substantially. Even trained firemen wouldn't enter a building this far gone. They would _have_ to wait for the ladders.

But then, if the crackle over the radio was to be believed, the fire brigade wasn't going to be here in time.

Alex was a step ahead, already sprinting back to the building. Heart racing.

"Cub!" Wolf shouted - as the leader of his unit, Alex should have stopped for orders. That wasn't likely to happen anytime soon. Alex kept running.

His hands hit the front door; the metal was so hot Alex imagined his skin would fuse to it. They didn't, but he would certainly have a few burns to show for it.

The second he entered, he almost ran headlong into a wall of flames. He veered left sharply, pulling his army green shirt up over his nose. The stairway he had used before was no longer a viable option. He burst through another set of doors, hoping to find an alternative.

Instead, he found the cafeteria, where the flames were biggest and brightest.

Fire was all around him, and Alex had to jump up on the cafeteria tables to avoid it. His heart hammered in his chest, working double time to counteract the heat and the smoke.

Across the room, Alex saw the kitchen. Next to it was a door marked with a pictograph representing a fire escape. Alex bit his lip, mulling over it for a second. Fire escape _was_ the goal here…

Jumping from table to table, flames licking at his ankles, he got within leaping distance. He was panting, sweating. His eyes flickered over the door frame. He was thankful to see that the door opened into the staircase, otherwise the frame would be in the way.

Launching himself with all the strength he could muster, he dove overtop of the stretching flames. His heart leapt into his throat. He turned, hitting the door with his shoulder and forcing it inwards. He landed on the metal plank at the base of a staircase.

Stumbling to his feet, he sprinted up the stairs. Smoke followed him up, rising as smoke does in wisps and cruel curls. He could feel ash settling in his lungs.

Alex patted down his ankles, realizing that the cuffs of his trousers were smouldering.

He had never run as fast as he did just then. He ran like he was being chased - which he was. Like his feet were on fire - which they kind of were. Like his life depended on it - which it did.

Two flights of stairs later, he burst through to the roof. He emerged in a cloud of smoke. Through the haze, he spotted her. Probably one of the youngest at the school - twelve or thirteen, Alex would guess. A petite blonde girl huddled in the corner of the roofs brickwork walls.

She was wearing sweatpants and a sweater with the school logo on the breast. Discarded next to her was a thick novel. She had probably woken early, decided to sneak out some peace and quiet, maybe watch the sunrise.

Alex smiled (he knew he probably looked a right mess, but he did his best to appear unintimidating). "Hey, I'm Alex," he told her softly. "I'm going to get you out of here."

The girl nodded hesitantly, rising to feet that were surprisingly steady. Alex shucked off his army jacket, wrapping the fire resistant fabric around the child. He pulled her close to his side and marched her back the way he had come.

The fire stairs got them to the third floor dormitories, but that's where their luck ran dry. Alex could see the red and orange reflections on the railings below them. The fire had consumed the second floor.

Tucking the girl firmly under his arm, he ducked into the first room he saw. He pulled her along to the dorm window - the smoke had sealed it shut, but a swift punch and some bloody knuckles later he had fixed that issue.

He looked down, his unit had converged below him, surrounding the fallen glass. Between them, they had stretched out a parachute that had been meant for their exercise.

He ducked down, looking at the girl. He wiped tears from her cheeks, but only succeeded in smearing soot across her face.

"I need you to trust me, okay?" The girl nodded hesitantly. "Perfect. I'm going to help you jump out of this window."

Now, usually you tell someone to jump out a window and they say _you're crazy_. But it seems this girl had seen plenty of crazy today. She just nodded and allowed Alex to lift her through the window.

He carefully lowered her, making sure none of the jagged glass came close to her. He leaned over the ledge, bits of glass biting into his stomach as he held her as far down as possible.

Then he let go.

A sharp scream hit his ears as she fell, but then everything moved into fast forward. Within seconds she was caught and carried away. The parachute was being stretched again.

Wolf called up to him, telling him to jump (mixed with a lot of colourful language, calling him an idiot was the least of it).

Alex placed his army booted foot on the ledge, grabbing the frame of the window and crouching on the edge. His heart was thudding in his chest, drowning his world in white noise. He tensed his muscles, zeroed in on the parachute.

Then, the room behind him imploded. He looked back in time to see an impenetrable wall of fire launching itself at him. Beams and plaster from the ceiling crumbled and cascaded down. Wood and metal splintering and sparking.

And Alex fell.

* * *

There was a thudding noise, loud and obnoxious and attacking him from every angle. It wasn't steady - more erratic, but still consistent enough that Alex couldn't catch a break between beats.

It was all he could hear; the ear splitting noises separated by utter silence.

Alex opened his eyes. At first glance, the scene was familiar: doctors, hovering above him. Yelling out orders and stats. But these doctors didn't look like the ones Alex was used to - no scrubs or surgical masks, no bright white lab coat.

Instead, they wore army greens.

That was odd, and he thought it meant something. Something important. He just couldn't quite put his finger on it…

He couldn't put his finger on anything. He couldn't move.

It was like dream paralysis - stuck in his own body, a prisoner. He wanted to move, to reach out, to scream, to do anything. But he was stuck, at the mercy of these green clad men.

The world was shaking. Slamming in and out of focus in sync with the earth shattering drum beat. _Thud, thud, thud._ Over and over.

One second apart, then two.

Stuttering and stopping. A couple of times, Alex thought it had finally stopped all together. The world came undone and the noise faded. He was grateful, for the peace, for the quiet. It wasn't something Alex got a lot of...

Then Alex was struck by lightning, and the noise came back. Steadier this time, but quieter.

" _Come on, Cub. Stay with me…"_

Little bits and pieces of the world bled into his subconscious. Someone was talking to him, but he didn't know who. It didn't matter.

As the all consuming noise finally faded, Alex was so thankful. He didn't have to figure out who was calling to him - who was pleading for him to stay… where? Stay where? Where was he going? It didn't matter.

All that mattered was the silence. The sweet silence that he'd been looking for all his life.

Unbroken. Not even the steady beat of a persistent heart.

Quite.

* * *

The EKG spiked. It levelled and spiked and dropped in a consistent, sharp wave. A pattern that should have been a comfort.

Would have been, if Alex didn't have to listen to that _noise_.

Alex watched the mapping of his heart - steady and stable - without moving from his spot on the cot. Resting on his side, he had a direct view of the screen to his right. His vitals, displayed for all the world to see.

Every jump, every skip, every beat of his heart recorded.

Alex took deep breaths, keeping the line steady. He tried to slow his heart rate, get a few more seconds of silence between each roaring _boom._

Louder than a bomb. Louder than anything he'd ever heard.

"You're awake." Except maybe that. The words shattered the relative quiet of the room, echoing off white walls and reverberating in his eardrums. Like a nuclear explosion.

He looked away from the EKG monitor, seeing the line jump slightly at the unexpected intrusion.

Alex nodded, unwilling to speak and add to the constant buzz of noise.

Eagle's face split into a grin - so genuinely happy that it was almost worth it when the soldier yelled back into the hall. His heartline bottomed out for a second, startled by the _loudness_. How could one man be so loud?

One became two. Then three, then four. Four soldiers sitting at his bedside. For men that never learned about _inside voices_ or _whispering_.

"Welcome back, Cub."

Alex tried for a smile, but it felt forced, his cheek muscles tightening unnaturally. He abandoned the attempt in favour of trying to sit up.

"Woah there, kid," Snake stood, holding his hands palms out in a halting gesture. "Don't move, let me…"

The group medic trailed off, surprisingly gentle hands helping Alex shift. As he moved, he felt the bandages around his stomach and arms tighten. A button was pressed that raised Alex to a sitting position. Snake flopped back into his seat with a huff of relief.

"You gave us quite the scare, Cub." This time it was Wolf who spoke. The unit leader was uncharacteristically subdued. An emotion displayed on his face that Alex had never seen there before.

Worry. Wolf was worried.

Alex wasn't sure if this was an improvement on angry and annoyed or not.

Unsure of how to reply (and still unwilling to speak) Alex just shrugged. This was, apparently, not the correct the response.

Anger flared up in Wolf's eyes. "You could have died, Cub, do you get that? You could have _died_. You actually _did_ die a couple of times and what? You don't care?"

Alex had always considered himself a quick study, but in this case he just didn't learn. He shrugged again, helplessly, at a loss of how to reply.

Before Wolf could blow up again, Fox placed a placating hand on the other man's shoulder.

He spoke with the voice of reason. "Cub, we're all glad you're going to be okay." The soldier flared at Wolf like he was reminding him _yes we are happy Cub is alive_. "But what you did was reckless and stupid, and it could have gotten you killed."

This time, instead of shrugging, Alex nodded.

"You saved that girls life, Cub," Fox told him. There was a hint of pride in the older man's voice. "It was very brave."

"Yeah, brave," Wolf echoed, though coming from his mouth 'brave' sounded a lot more like 'stupid'.

But when it came to Alex, brave and stupid could often be considered synonyms.

Alex wasn't even sure himself if running into that building was brave, or stupid. It had certainly paid off, but what if it hadn't? Would people have called him brave, or stupid?

Did it even matter? When it came down to it, Alex hadn't acted out of intelligence or stupidity or bravery. He hadn't been following rules or orders or his training or hell, even common sense.

He had been following instinct.

His heart.

It hadn't failed him yet.

* * *

 **Rubatosis: the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat**


End file.
